So, I work from home, and my kids are home with me all day. School starts in a few days. My youngest son Rowdy (yes, I slightly deserved what's coming next by naming him Rowdy), but Rowdy is really testing my living in the NOW process! The kid lives so much in his imagination that it's driving me nuts! He is the spitting image of his mama... [sigh]
This life of living in the NOW is a process. It's a process of growing my awareness and my consciousness of self. I fail frequently to stay in this place. But the awareness I'm growing is helping me catch myself and talk myself back into the NOW.
So today, I had a great morning, but I can feel a building anxiety that I need to get more stuff done. I am aware of this feeling and giving myself inspirational speeches through this "feeling". I put on my makeup all while getting my boys in moto gear to ride. Finally getting myself all dressed up, I slip on my heels and walk out to my living room where I am greeted with a huge watermelon mess created by my 'Edward Scissor Hands' of a son, Rowdy. Rowdy loves taking a knife to his food. He especially thinks it's so much fun to massacre his watermelon. I am now left with my living room and kitchen looking like I stuck an M-80 in a watermelon and set it off in our house... Arghhhhhhhhh.
Having a clean house helps me be at peace and be more productive, so instead of calling Rowdy to come back in from the great outdoors to just be in my way, I decide to just clean up the mess by myself. Once it's all cleaned up, I see one of the boys' plastic toolboxes sitting by the sink. I smirk and wonder what they were up to. I knew I had heard Rowdy messing around with water earlier, so he must have been pretending to fix the sink. I grab the handle of the box, and as soon as I lifted it, my mind knew something was amiss. But it was too late! I had already pulled too hard. Before I knew it, the floor was covered in a puddle of water, and so was my dress.
Immediately, all I could think about was that I had to clean this up, and that I was about over my kids at the moment... especially Rowdy. I was finishing cleaning up and became so aware of how yucky I was feeling inside. I finally became aware of my response. Yes, it was frustrating. Yes, it made a mess. Yes, it was Rowdy. But my response only hurt me. When I dug deeper into my response and why, it came down to the same thing that I keep returning to when it comes to negativity for me. Time.
I'm in the habit of serving time. I feel like I have to do it all now because I have set deadlines for myself. The bills have deadlines. So I have deadlines. Man, I'm fed up with this fear and service to time. It has been my master for so long. But now I am realizing and awakening myself to the fact that time does not exist. As I keep saying, it's a process for me. I am only sharing experiences with you in hopes that maybe it will encourage and inspire you too.
Now, as I type this, my kids are playing in the sink again and having a brotherly rivalry over a water gun. [Sigh] And I remind myself to return to the process...